Time and time again in my work I have clients who confess feelings, quietly, ashamedly, as though they were something horribly awful. Time and time again I have had the privilege of helping them to realize that most of the time, what they are experiencing is not only “normal” but is actually commonplace. And that furthermore, often, these negative feelings can be changed.

If you could hear their sighs of relief (well, the sighs of the ones that I am able to convince…) you would be astonished. You would probably also be astonished at how frequently this phenomenon comes up. And I work with men and women from all over the world, of all ages.

What is it that you are walking around with, deep in your heart, feeling as though there is something wrong with you for feeling it? It is the things that we bury, out of fear and shame, which often cause us the most pain – and which sometimes grow to have a negative, problematic life of their own. These shadow issues (A woman named Debbie Ford wrote a whole book about our “shadows..”) can become incredibly powerful, and they can cause all sorts of problems.

“It’s only me, right?” some clients ask me. “I’m the only one who thinks about quitting my well paid job and becoming a farmer?” or “I’m the only one who is afraid to have a baby,” or “I’m the only one who is afraid of falling in love and losing control…”

We are not, of course, discussing here things that are actually psychopathic urges like the repeated idea of drowning one’s children or setting fire to one’s house with the family asleep in it. If you’re having those kinds of intrusive thoughts and negative visions, it’s crucial that you run, not walk, to your nearest hospital and tell them the truth about what you are considering. They can help you, they really can, and you will feel better. To reach out like that is true bravery, not weakness.

But the first step, of course, is to ask for help….and then to give voice to that “shadow” inside you.

The same goes for those smaller shadow thoughts and fears. It’s the things that we hold tightly inside, fearing to give voice to, which add to or can even cause tension, anxiety, fear, and lowered self esteem. The remedy is simple yet powerful: talk to someone you trust. Let the shadow out into the light. Often, almost instantly, the power is broken and you feel lighter, safer, happier. Try it and see for yourself!

It’s not just you. Really. It’s not just me, either. Trust yourself, the universe, and believe that you can get beyond whatever shadowy “box of rocks” that you are carrying around. You can set it down, and you may very well find that as soon as you set down this metaphoric box of rocks and show it to someone else – that you don’t have to pick it back up and carry it around with you.

Again, it’s not just you. But as long as you are carrying the box quietly, and not opening it up, you will never know. Take the chance – and share. The benefits are enormous and carrying the box quietly helps no one, not even yourself.

]]> http://www.manicmeltdown.com/2010/05/04/only_me/feed/ 0 http://www.manicmeltdown.com/2010/03/13/they_are_calling_for_war/ http://www.manicmeltdown.com/2010/03/13/they_are_calling_for_war/#comments Sat, 13 Mar 2010 19:32:24 +0000 Ms. Sanity http://www.manicmeltdown.com/?p=322 Photo credit: taliesin from morguefile.com

More and more frequently, I am seeing public, blatant, explicit statements and calls to action from my fellow Americans urging violence and war here at home. It’s easy to dismiss those as the statements of a few kooks when they are few and far between, but I am running across them more and more frequently. And in far more “mainstream” places than you might expect; most recently, quite literally in the comments section of the Wall Street Journal. And I’m not just talking about one comment by one person, I’m talking about hundreds of comments, there and elsewhere, over a period of months.

These people are calling, quite literally, openly, and explicitly for civil war.

I am calling for people to get a grip and to think things through very carefully.

There’s no denying that large portions of the American population are angry and frightened to an extent that has certainly not been seen in my nearly 42 years of existence. But calling for violence should be the absolute last resort. Ideally it should never, ever happen. But what it won’t be, even if it does happen, is glorious. It’s not possible to be romantic and glorious and wage war at the same time.

Leaving the issue of the morality of war aside, the fact of the matter is that any time there is civil war, innocent people – men, women, and children- are always hurt, always killed, maimed, and at the very least, traumatized and displaced. It is also very difficult in a society like the USA to identify precisely “who the enemies are.” For all of you who are calling for blood it’s a good idea to stop and take a look in the mirror, first, and to try to use your logical faculties. The fact of the matter is that we ALL created this culture which has led us to where we are. We have ALL contributed to thing being the way that they are. Most of us have made poor decisions, been apolitical or disinterested, and we have given ourselves the “leaders” which we deserve. We have voted with our pocketbooks, for example, to say that sports stars are more “important” than schoolteachers, we have allowed our infrastructure to crumble to the point that there are third world countries with better systems in place, all in the name of “we don’t want to pay taxes.” Let’s face it, nobody likes to pay taxes. But, the fact of the matter is – taxes are how we purchase civilization. (to steal from Judge Oliver Wendell Holmes.)

In the face of frustration, rage, sorrow, and fear, it can be very easy to feel that the only option is violence. I urge those feeling that way to stop and think again. There are always other options. The truth with a capital T is that there is no glory in war. There never has been. There never will be. That is not to disparage the service of soldiers, or to demean it in any way. And if you think that there is, I suggest that you spend some time examining some of the very excellent documentary and feature films which have been made on the subject, and see if your opinion still holds. For instance I would suggest Stalingrad, the very excellent series about WWII, The World at War (30th Anniversary Edition) and Soldier Blue
, among many, many others.

There is no question that many things need to change here in the USA, the country where I was born, and the country where my family and most of the people I care deeply about live. These changes need to take place culturally, practically, and methodically in how we operate. I don’t begin to know the fullness of all of the changes needed or how they can come about. But beginning with violence is a recipe for disaster. Please, I pray you, think again. Then think some more. This is a time to get very, very specific about the changes we want to see and about who, precisely, is responsible for the situation that we find ourselves in. (There are many who would fall in this category.) “Shoot ‘em all and let God sort ‘em out,” is an ugly, reprehensible way of thinking. Surely we have evolved beyond that mentality…right?

We can change our society but what that will take is for the American people to work together, to stop with the polarization which prevents progress, and identifying some clear plans of action. Blowing things up and killing people is not a clear plan of action. It is simply terrorism. The last civil war in this country was an ugly, brutal time, that left thousands and thousands dead.

It is tempting to blame all of our problems on the “other,” to think it is all Wall Street’s fault, or the president’s fault, or what have you. There is no doubt that there was some criminal and unconscionable behavior along the way which led us to the grim situation our country finds ourselves in, however. Walt Kelly said it right, in 1970, however:

“We have met the enemy, and he is us.”

We absolutely must Learn from history, or we are doomed to repeat it. And the repeating of it will be even more painful than it was the first go-around.  If we come to civil war in this country, there will be no glory in it.  The tenor of the times seems to be a lot like a woman who wakes up one morning and decides that she doesn’t like what’s been happening in her home, and rather than talking to her family, trying to make a plan of how things can change, or considering what part she herself may have played – instead she sets fire to the place with everyone inside and walks away.

1.) You are really and truly the only – yes, only -darn person you can control.  There’s no question that you can affect others, you can, and you should. But change them? Nope, not in this lifetime, not on this spiritual plane. That doesn’t mean that we all can sit by and say “ho hum, well, then, there’s nothing I can or should do except do my own thing.” That’s a cop out. What it DOES mean is that trying to control others is futile and crazy-making at best, and a recipe for unmitigated disaster in many, many circumstances.  Once you really come to terms with this, every day gets easier. Make peace with this one quickly.

2.) Nobody gets a free ride.  Yes, I know that’s an old chestnut, but it may take some doing to really absorb the fact. I still remember the moment when someone (a man who taught me a number of extremely painful yet important lessons) said to me in surprise when we were on the topic: “EVERYONE suffers. EVERYONE ‘gets screwed.’ Nobody escapes it. Nobody has a charmed life.” It took until then (and I was well over 20) for me to realize that my suffering was not “special,” or anything of the sort, and that everyone else (or even a few select lucky bastards) was/is not living a constantly easy, happy, stress-free existence. Problems are part of life. Learn to see that this is okay.

3.) We are never, ever given just one chance at happiness or fulfillment.  It is easy, (and I think it’s perhaps human nature) to believe that our entire future happiness and good outcomes in life can hinge on a particular thing, such as “this particular relationship working out,” or “getting into this school,” or “getting this job” or “making x number of dollars.”  Again, that’s not a cop-out inducer to believe that you don’t have to do the best you can in life, you will find yourself far more fulfilled if you DO. However, it is certainly a relaxing-inducing knowledge, once you can find it, that there are ALWAYS going to be other deep, soul-level, meaningful opportunities for us, if the one in front of us, for whatever reason, does not come to fruition. To believe otherwise is to limit yourself, the universe, and your higher power, (if you believe in one) to a level that is really, when you think about it, not only painful but also pretty arrogant. Work this one out, and things become a lot easier. Really.

4.) Listen to others (who have shown they’re worth respect) but go your own way. Both bits of this one are challenging. For instance, your mother, just by virtue of being your mother, if you are an adult, does not, in and of itself, make her opinion very useful or helpful to you – particularly about things that she herself has never experienced. There’s a fairly obscure saying, though, that goes something like this: “If one person tells you you have a tail, you can laugh. If two people tell you you have a tail, then best turn around and LOOK.” In other words, of course, it’s not smart to just ignore every bit of advice/opinion you are given, particularly if you start to hear things over and over. However, ultimately you have to live your own life and it’s the only one you have at this moment anyway. If you decide that what your soul is telling you to do is to move to Italy and learn Italian (with the last $1,000 in your checking account…) and you are sure that this is what you most want and need to do, then GO, regardless of what anyone says. Hey, it worked out well for Elizabeth Gilbert (author of “Eat,Pray, Love”.)  If you wait till what you want is going to please everyone you might as well forget it. Life is short, and people who are completely invested in completely pleasing everyone are usually pretty darn unhappy.

5.) It’s your job to take care of yourself. Yes, the (very very small number) of conservative types who meander into this blog might be surprised to hear a liberal type like myself spout this last one, but it is my firm belief that in today’s world (and perhaps always, I don’t know) in order to be happy and sucessful we have all got to take personal responsibility for our own lives, advocate for ourselves, and not simply sit by and expect someone to come along and fix (any) problem. This also means that after a certain point, you can no longer blame your parents or the Government or whatever for your problems, you will have to make some choices and take some actions, and so on.  If you struggle with this one, it might be helfpful to start by thinking, say, of going to a doctor’s office (ick!) If your leg hurts, and you go to the doctor but don’t tell her that your leg hurts, how can you possibly be surprised if she doesn’t do anything about your pain? Learn to advocate for yourself. You are the one who is closest to knowing what you need. You can have a hand in making sure your needs get met. If you wait by the side of life for someone to notice that you are in pain/need help/etc., you can be waiting a very long time indeed.

Well, readers, if you’ve read this far… which one resonated the most with you (if any?) What are the other biggies I’ve left off? This list of course could have been fifty or five hundred things to consider, but your Ms. Sanity has to start somewhere… 

Photo credit: Chi from morguefile.com

Obviously this blog is called Manic Meltdown, and just as clearly to those who look around a bit, I rarely write about truly being manic. That’s largely because I rarely am manic, myself, I’m more of a unipolar depressive type myself, when my grip slips. (Yes, I know, that’s shocking to those of you who actually know Ms. Sanity…)

Anyway, manic depression (actually the proper term these days is “bipolar disorder,”) truthfully does run in my family along with a host of other ummmm… interesting mental proclivities. Accordingly, I thought it might be helpful to the casual observer or those of you who land here because you are looking for information on mania – for me to offer a bit of anecdotal information about what I know about mania and “real” manic meltdowns.

The best source of information of course is always a qualified medical or psychiatric practitioner, and
nothing in this blog or anywhere else in the universe should be taken to be actual medical advice unless
you’re under direct treatment.

To start with, of course, manic meltdowns aren’t pretty. But generally they are treatable, and there is help
available to those who can and do seek it.

Mania generally is unpleasant for all concerned. A psychiatrist once told me, and I was surprised to hear,
that “Mania is on a continuum; it’s not always physical mania of not sleeping and painting the whole house
in three days… for example, extreme irritability in adults can be one symptom or a type of mania.”

So that’s an important thing to remember, when you’re looking at whether or not you or someone you care
about might need help or treatment. It’s also important to remember that Mania/bipolar disorder is a
complex disease, and it can be important to call in the cavalry (doctors!) as soon as one begins to realize
there is a problem.

Symptoms of mania (courtesy of Web MD) can include:
• excessive happiness,
• excitement,
• irritability,
• restlessness,
• increased energy,
• less need for sleep,
• racing thoughts,
• high sex drive,
• and a tendency to make grand and unattainable plans.

That doesn’t necessarily sound as awful as it is. Other reported experiences and behaviors of those in a full
blown “manic meltdown,” can include spending money recklessly, indiscriminate sexual behavior (which is
later regretted) crying jags, and particularly after several days with insufficient sleep, literal hallucinations
and/or psychoses.

Most people experience the milder end of these symptoms, from what I understand, and someone doesn’t
have to have them all in order to actually be experiencing mania.

Drug abuse (and Ms. Sanity doesn’t judge people, I’m just pointing this out…) can make bipolar disorder
worse and/or can mask the symptoms and make diagnosis more difficult depending on the situation.

If you’re looking to understand more about manic meltdowns and are new to the mental illness party (we really need to get rid of the stigma about it in the good ole USA, people with chemical imbalances- who are not “just jerks,” can no more pull themselves out of it “by their bootstraps” than a six week-old infant can start speaking in sentences because of superior willpower. Bipolar disorder- and in fact most, if not all, forms of true mental illness – are biochemical, physical issues…) …you may want to have a look at this link for more clinical and authoritative info.

The life you save may be your own, or that of someone you care about. People with bipolar disorder have a
much higher rate of suicide and/or accidental death than the general population, I have been told.  It is important to know that most people with bipolar disorder will insist that “there is nothing wrong,” particularly in manic phases. If in doubt, check it out!

Just because I’ve called this blog Manic Meltdown in no way aims to minimize the serious issue of Mania and bipolar disorder. It’s more that I was pointing to the fact that many aspects of modern life tend to POINT your Ms. Sanity toward the ugly side of manic behavior, because of occasional frustration and so on; and I wanted to share some of the thoughts, ideas, and resources that help me from ending up going over the edge, in the hopes that they may help someone else.

I’m no expert, of course, but are there any questions?

Oh yeah, one last thing. Someone landed on the first iteration of this blog (at Blogspot) recently because they had searched for “how to know if you are self centered.” That question is fairly easy. First of all, nearly all of us are self-centered to a degree, and that’s not a crime, necessarily. It can often be healthy and self preserving, provided we don’t carry it too far. Secondly, are you able to understand how other people feel? Are you able to imagine and empathize/sympathize when they are having difficulties? Do you care about what happens to others? Do you sometimes think of others and put them and their needs before your own? If so… you probably don’t have a darn thing to worry about. But if everyone you ask tells you that yes, you come across as being self-centered, then perhaps you should talk to someone you trust about it, preferably your doctor. This too can be a symptom of a variety of mental health challenges. It’s very normal for people who are struggling with depression, for example, to be focused on themselves and their own feelings, etc., just as it is normal for someone with a broken leg to be focused (especially at first) on the pain from their leg and how their leg is feeling—because it HURTS! The problems come when the leg—or the feelings—are the thing one lives the rest of one’s life being focused on. Never hesitate to reach out for help.

And if you don’t like the first “help” you get, keep reaching. There is always help, and almost always hope. The thing is, we have to do some reaching out to find it.

Here’s a hint/in a nutshell: it involves compassion. Compassion does not always come easily to me. But then, it may not come easily to anyone. It is, however, a blessing to all, when it is given.

How to Achieve Happiness (By HH Dalai Lama Tenzin Gyatso)

For a start, it is possible to divide every kind of happiness and suffering into two main categories: mental and physical.  Of the two, it is the mind that exerts the greatest influence on most of us.  Unless we are either gravely ill or deprived of basic necessities, our physical condition plays a secondary role in life.  If the body is content, we virtually ignore it. The mind, however, registers every event, no matter how small. Hence we should devote our most serious efforts to bringing about mental peace.

From my own limited experience I have found that the greatest degree of inner tranquility comes from the development of love and compassion. The more we care for the happiness of others, the greater our own sense of well-being becomes. Cultivating a close, warm-hearted feeling for others automatically puts the mind at ease. This helps remove whatever fears or insecurities we may have and gives us the strength to cope with any obstacles we encounter. It is the ultimate source of success in life.As long as we live in this world we are bound to encounter problems. If, at such times, we lose hope and become discouraged, we diminish our ability to face difficulties. If, on the other hand, we remember that it is not just ourselves but every one who has to undergo suffering, this more realistic perspective will increase our determination and capacity to overcome troubles. Indeed, with this attitude, each new obstacle can be seen as yet another valuable opportunity to improve our mind!

The full text of his statement is here. Read it… and be happy!

If that rings any bells for you about yourself, there’s a short primer on the flip which may be helpful.

Over and over when I have my “counselor” hat on, people ask me questions like, “But is what happened to me A or B?” “Is it wrong for me to feel C or D?”  “Was that person wrong to do E or F?”  “Do I really have any redeeming value? What if I’m wrong about what I think?” and on and on it goes.

In my own life, partly through the process of going through therapy (something which I think nearly everyone can benefit from, if you can find a good therapist…) I eventually learned that–guess what–there is  not REALLY a fully-fledged rule book about life sitting somewhere that you can just look up and see a black and white answer that makes everything clear about A, B, C, D and so forth. (Spare me the Bible references, that’s not quite what I mean, although there are some enormously helpful rules and such to live by in the Bible….)

There came a point when I had to allow myself to live with some uncertainty, and once I did–whoosh, a huge burden was lifted.

Finally, in a blinding flash, I realized that my role was to do my best to make a sensible decision about what I thought about my life, and my actions, and so on, and that looking outside for some sort of handy manual that was going to spell absolutely everything out for me, was fruitless at best.

Some people are great  (okay, some people are delusional, too) about having positive self esteem, seeing their strengths, and so on. It comes easily and naturally to them. Those people are probably not even reading this article.

At the other end of the spectrum, we have the folks with the absolute lowest self-esteem, and paralyzing anxiety. “Am I really a bad person?” and so on are the kinds of questions that plague them constantly.  Here’s the deal:

Sometimes, for the latter type of person, you have to simply stop asking yourself and the world for the “truth” about a particular thing, and simply decide what is and is not helpful for you to think. Is it helpful, to you, or anyone else around you, for you to torture yourself endlessly that you “might” be a bad person, or a worthless person, and so on?

No, of course it isn’t. It is far helpful for your functioning, and for the world, if you make the decision to think “Perhaps I am an okay, at least, person.”  That gives you a launching pad to start from, whereas “Maybe I am really bad,” does not. (I’m referring to “normal” people here, not people, say, who killed someone last week, etc., who have plenty of reason to question themselves.)

You can, of course, tie yourself up in knots if you want, asking yourself  “Well, is it for real, do I have any basis to have even moderate self-esteem about?” but the fact of the matter is that sometimes you, and everyone else, are better off if you just make some (positive) assumptions.  So when it comes to the basics–like simple self esteem/self respect, you are better off, when your mental tape says “Is it real? should I allow myself to have even marginal self-esteem?” to respond with a resounding “Who cares if it’s “real” or not. That is where I’m going to begin, assuming that I have the right to draw breath, etc.”

For the record, I am very quick to suggest that people see a doctor and/or a licensed professional counselor (plus, of course, the law requires me to do so,and of course, that’s just the ethical thing to do.) I do realize that the type of mental machinations I’m describing CAN be due to major clinical depression and/or anxiety, and often need treatment from professionals.

The other fact of the matter, however, is that seeking or receiving mental health treatment is still stigmatized to an unbelievable degree (and it shouldn’t be) and that in the US, mental health care is simply not available (or seems unavailable–almost the same thing)  to many, many people. So I suppose talking to me can be better than nothing. At least that’s what they tell me.

My points here are threefold: a.) most people do have the power to do at least a little something about the damage those mental tapes are doing to themselves, b.) sometimes saying “who cares?!” is actually a very adult, reasoned, practical mental response, and c.) if your life feels like the pits because you can’t get past this stuff, reach out and get help, pronto.  There is ALWAYS help available, and we are not called to “go it on our own” forever.

If you struggle with this crap, try saying “who cares?!” for an hour. See how YOU feel.You might be surprised how freeing it is.

And for the (Ayn) Randians: Yes, of course there are absolutes in life. There just aren’t quite as many as most people seem to think. Life is full of shades of gray. Deal with it.

With the economic situation world-wide and the other political things happening, however, (not to mention the current weird alignment of the planets – just ask Michael Lutin!) the potential triggers for feeling lousy may indeed be more abundant than usual. Follow me on the flip for some handy tips that might help you (and for that matter, your dear Ms. Sanity) stay in a happier frame of mind.  These tips may not be groundbreaking, but I hope they may serve as a helpful reminder to anyone who stumbles upon them.

1.) Surround yourself with (or pay attention to) happy, upbeat people.

Remember that what (and whom) you pay attention to in your life literally grows and becomes a bigger part of your life.

There are some people who are naturally inclined to optimism. Many who are even inclined to thoughtful, searching, considered optimism. Good attitudes, hope, and joy are catching. If you don’t have these people in your life, you can find them online or ask around. Even a little exposure to these upbeat folks can help your feelings of happiness. EVEN if they get on your nerves while you’re talking to them or reading what they have to say!

2.) Limit your news intake, whether on television, online, or newspapers.

There will always be bad news, and guess what, bad news sells…(and puts eyeballs on websites, etc.) That’s why traditional news outlets in particular seem to focus on “bad news…” because they actually DO focus on the bad news! Regardless of your political or other orientations and priorities, there will always be something in the news that’s upsetting. Particularly when you are struggling, limit your intake. This does not have to be permanent.

3.) Help other people.

There is always someone nearby or online who could use an encouraging word, a donation, or simply someone to listen to them. Whatever your circumstances, you have this to offer, even if you can only manage 30 seconds. The benefits of doing so are enormous and farther reaching than you’d believe toward helping your happiness level.

4.) Wallow in bad feelings if you must, but set time limits for wallowing.

Sometimes bad feelings and sadness and unhappiness are natural or unavoidable. (Death of someone you care about, Major changes in relationships, Major life or health changes, and so forth.) All of these things are adjustments which take time, and simply plastering on a happy face in the midst of true emotional challenges is a recipe for disaster. So allowing yourself to “feel the pain” (or to wallow, if you will…) is reasonable. What you don’t want to do is to allow yourself to get stuck there.  Give yourself a time limit that seems reasonable, (sometimes this means weeks to months!)  and if you cannot find your way to feeling normal once the time limit expires, it may be time to talk to your doctor or seek other outside help.

5.) Talk about it.

Not  everyone needs formal therapy or a doctor’s care of course when they’re struggling with emotional issues and/or unhappiness, but everyone needs to express their feelings. Find a way to do so. The advent of the internet has made this easier.

6.) Bootstraps don’t exist.

There is a much misguided idea in these United States anyway that we should all “pull ourselves up by our own bootstraps.” Personally, I’ve never seen anyone in my lifetime who actually had bootstraps, much less someone who could “pull themselves up by them. “  It can be critical to know when the jig is up and when you should ask for help and stop thinking about your damn non-existent bootstraps. Asking for help is a sign of wisdom and strength, and NOT weakness. We are all in this life together.

One of the many guidelines which indicate that you should run, not walk, to a health care provider: is when you start thinking (especially when you continue to think) that the world or your loved ones would be better off without you, and/or you start making plans to bring that about. Suicide really is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. If you are feeling that way, get help. Today. Here are some 24/7 hotlines in the USA that are standing by to help you: 1-800-784-2433 or 1-800-273-TALK  (1-800-273-8255)

7.) Talk to a child/spend time with children.

There’s a reason why we say “kids say the darnedest things,” and “Out of the mouths of babes…”  This is because children have a fresh way of looking at the world which can sometimes bring light streaming into the life of an adult in unexpected ways.  Take a moment and talk to a child, and if you don’t have one handy, (with their parent’s permission) a neighbor’s child will do. Have them tell you a joke. You’ll be glad you did.

Above all, know that you are not alone. Because that’s the truth.

(Image Courtesy of Jochen Gros.)

His Holiness The 14th Dalai Lama

I don’t know exactly when I first became aware of the (current) Dalai Lama, but I can vividly remember reading his autobiography and being utterly impressed and astonished at the depth of his thinking and his compassion–even for people in my (young and not very compassionate) view who “didn’t deserve it.” (e.g. those that had tortured and killed his countrymen, invaded and overtaken his country, forced him into exile, and so forth.)

I am not a Buddhist, but there is much about Buddhist teaching that calls to me, and much that I think we all can learn from.

I know it’s a lifelong journey, etc. but personally I am struggling with attempting to feel compassion for people I find reprehensible: e.g. those who identify as being “American Conservative Republicans.” Yet, my lack of compassion toward them, mainly only hurts me, and it certainly does not contribute to something I believe in: which is the propagation of personal, local, national, and world peace and happiness.

In an essay, the Dalai Lama wrote:

Under present conditions, there is definitely a growing need for human understanding and a sense of universal responsibility. In order to achieve such ideas, we must generate a good and kind heart, for without this, we can achieve neither universal happiness nor lasting world peace. We cannot create peace on paper. While advocating universal responsibility and universal brotherhood and sisterhood, the facts are that humanity is organized in separate entities in the form of national societies.

And furthermore, in my country, we seem to be organized in the form of separate entities in the form of political persuasion and/or parties: We have the Rush Limbaughs and Ann Colters of the world who think “liberals” have no morals and should be wiped off the face of the planet.

Yet I further this schism and add to the divisiveness when I rage against the republicans and the conservatives and think of them (and speak of them) as though they have no souls, no hearts, and no concern for their fellow man.

I’ll work on it.  H.H. The Dalai Lama speaks the truth when he says:

Living in society, we should share the sufferings of our fellow citizens and practise compassion and tolerance not only towards our loved ones but also towards our enemies. This is the test of our moral strength. We must set an example by our own practice…

So I’ll start where I am, and for the rest of today, I will try to have compassion for the republicans/conservatives, try not to speak or think ill of them, and try to embody the principles set forth by H.H.T.D.L. (and many other people whom I admire, including my mother.)

I mean, if the Dalai Lama could forgive the Chinese, I should be able to forgive anybody anything… right?

If you’re interested, you can read the rest of this very sane essay written by The Dalai Lama here: A Human Approach to World Peace .

I would encourage you to do so, and to join me in these efforts. This kind of stuff is sane, and may even help make a better world!

These might be the good guys... I intend to find out

I’ve been thinking about customer service a lot lately. As someone who does/has done a lot of work and a lot of selling online, for many years now, and who also had a  lot of (basically tortured interesting) experience working with the public face to face in retail,  I have a lot of experience with the importance and difficulty in keeping high levels of customer satisfaction.  Yet my recent experiences with one of the biggest companies online not only left a bad taste in my mouth but I realized also gives some important lessons for the smaller guys too, including myself.  In a nutshell: customer goodwill is priceless. To think otherwise is completely insane.

Yes, I’m partly talking about Ebay. After spending literally thousands of dollars with them yearly since 2003, and I’m of course a very small player there, I’ve been watching with morbid fascination as they went public, apparently disregarded everything they were founded on (transparency, open environment, etc.) and policy-changed themselves into literally thousands of people saying “I’m outta here.”

I read a news story this morning, relatively recent, on CNN money here, about the big Bay’s stock tanking big time.

This article says in part:

At about $12 it’s trading barely above a 52-week low of $11 and is down 56% in the past 12 months. Like the rest of the market, the Internet company is essentially back to where it was when economic panic set in last fall.

Well, that’s true, but the problems there have been going on for years, and seller after outraged seller, from little fry like me to sellers who had been spending half a million or more with the formerly-known-as-a-fun-place-to buy-sell-and trade, became vocal in their frustration, tried to make the bay see reason, and finally left in droves.

Now, yours truly has a background in marketing and communications and one of the dearly believed tenets of those fields of course is that “perception is everything.”

For at least the last couple of years, the bay has made policy change after policy change, from the nonsensical to the greed based, and I’ve been watching over in my corner fairly quietly.  (and I began slowing down my listings quite a bit over at least the last two years, largely because of the increases in their cuts, etc. etc.)

Fast forward to the last few days when for some reason, one of my very few remaining listings got pulled due to a policy change in 2008 that I had supposedly violated.  I called to verify that this was indeed the case, and they said it was, and the (rather nice woman) I talked to pointed out that “if I wanted to give ebay feedback that there was now a link where I could do so.” In other words, she at least pretended to care what I had to say.

The thing is this is far too little far too late, and I had seen the heartache and anger of far too many of my fellow sellers who mourned the loss of the company the Omyidars built–for me to be able to believe at this very late date that they really care one whit about what THEIR business decisions (bad ones) are doing to my business. They got big, they got greedy and reckless, and they quit caring about the happiness of their customers (the sellers who pay their fees and generate their traffic–NOT the buyers who spend $100 on the bay a year. They allowed a perception that they don’t care what sellers think to build up over a million little actions over time. (And believe me this is not just my perception.)

So let it be a lesson to us all. Once a negative perception has taken hold about a company, there is an exponential effect and a snowball effect and it’s very difficult to change course. Maybe impossible.

No the customer is NOT always right, but it’s critical (and simple common sense)  that all of us doing business know where our bread is buttered, and whether you’re a large player like the bay or a small player like me, perception might not be everything, but there is no substitute for excellent customer service and for genuine concern about the way your customers perceive your service and your business.

It’s also clearly important to know, and address, the way that customers are talking about you and your business, as well.

At this point, even if the bay sent me three dozen roses this morning and refunded 50% of all the money that I’ve ever spent with them (yeah, right!) I would still be somewhat to very skeptical as to whether or not their organizational culture had changed enough to *really* give a toss about what their sellers think and feel about doing business with them. The perception out here is that bad.  And that’s sad.

So, in a process that started for us and our business a while back, which due to time constraints, etc. has been rather casual and listless on my part… is now going to ramp up, with regard to finding someplace else to spend my online auction efforts. There are several likely contenders including Delcampe which I know little about but whose rep on the street (so to speak) is FAR more positive than that of Ebay. If they give me even a tiny reason to believe that they may care two hoots about my comfort level then maybe I’ll start spending all my money with THEM. (We sell antiques and collectibles among other things.)

Let it be a lesson to all of us. There really isn’t a business or operation that is so big that they no longer have to offer value (and appreciation!) to the customer.

I don’t have any hope for the Bay, from where I sit it would take a full stop and reversal of the majority of the policy changes that they’ve made in the last few years coupled with VERY public apologies for the way they’ve treated their SELLERS. I’m not holding my breath.  Facebook did that very thing in 24 hours re: their TOS.

Ah well, it’s their loss. It’s not the loss of my business that’s too bad for them, It’s me times the thousands of people who have gone elsewhere.

Live and learn.

I don’t want fear or loss or any other negative thing
to get bigger in my life.

So (when I am “at myself,” as my Grandmother used to say…) I choose to focus on gratitude, uplifting things,  and so forth. The reality for me and probably for everyone else is that some hours/days/weeks it’s a struggle, no matter how positive I try to be. One of the things to bear in mind, it seems to me, is that this struggle is just part of what it is to be a human.  My heart breaks  for the people I work with on occasion  who fall into that fear mindset  and stay there… without being able to see that there are always choices, always something that can be done. Read on for some ways that help me to stay centered in gratitude, most of the time.

Here are some tips that help me when I’m struggling, in no particular order.

1.) Focus on the basics. Even the REALLY “basic” basics. Sometimes when things seem very bleak  this is really hard. I saw a gut wrenching posting on another blog where a parent had written in something along the lines of “How in the world can I be “positive” when I have children and I’m worried about them/feeding them/etc.??” Of course that’s one of the hardest situations there is, but what can help in that situation is to “break it down.”  For instance you might ask yourself : Is there a roof over your children’s head for tonight? Do you have food for them for their next meal (and yours?) Do you have friends you can count on or family? Is your health good? Many, many people on this planet cannot say yes to any of those things. Getting clear on the things you do have to be grateful for—even the very “basic basics” such as “I am not at this moment in the hospital with a dire disease” or “No one will  be shooting at me if I step outside my home” (e.g. What those in Iraq or Afghanistan may be facing…)  Think on those things, and be grateful.

2.) Think about what else you are—or should be—grateful for and make a list of those things. For instance, in my case, I am a cancer survivor now five years out (and hence, considered “cured”) That’s huge. I AM grateful, when I stop to think about it. More grateful than there are words to use about it. But now that  I’m “safe” it’s far too easy to take that for granted. The thing is I was/am very lucky. You are too, in some ways. No matter what. Figure out what those ways are and what you are grateful for. Make a list.

3.) Focus on people, not things, and certainly not money. I have a wonderful husband, a great family, great mom, thoughtful friends and clients. If I spend my time and energy on how I can make their lives better (or even your life better, gentle reader) then I am not moaning about or mired in my fears. Money fades away and if I dropped dead tomorrow, it’s not the money I made or didn’t make that would have mattered. Same is true for you too. Money comes and goes.

4.) Think about your assets…your inner assets. We all have some. Particularly when we’re scared, it’s easy to think that we’re not good at anything and have nothing to offer. It doesn’t matter who you are, nothing could be farther from the truth. I can write but I can’t add, and I’m physically uncoordinated. My neighbor might only have an eighth grade education but she can cook circles around me and she’s fabulous with children. Everyone has something to bring to the table. Consider what you have, what your abilities are, and focus on (and be grateful for) those things. They mean a lot!

5.) Get help if you need it. It’s out there. American culture such as it is has a huge undercurrent of the (sadly mistaken) idea that we all can and should pull ourselves “up by our own bootstraps.” First of all, I don’t know anyone who even has “bootstraps,” and second of all—we are all in this world and life together, and there is a reason for that. If you don’t know who to turn to, know that there are LOTS of good-hearted strangers out here in the world who care about you just because you are a fellow human. Trust that. reach out. Know that if you are allowing someone to help you, you are giving THEM a blessing. Many communities have a service called 211. (like 411.) to help people find community services. Reach out. Whatever you need, it’s out there. And if you’re in a position to help someone, do. Even if it’s just by offering a kind word or commenting on their blog.

6.) Meditate. Shut off what the Buddhists call your “monkey mind” (we all have one…) and let your weary mind rest. Even if all you can manage is three minutes, you will have given yourself a mental break which extends to the spiritual. You’ll come away refreshed, and likely feeling more able to see what there is in your life to feel grateful about.

If you’re asking why you need to do all this, it’s simple. These “attitudes of gratitude” improve your life, and your mood, and thus and the lives of those around you. Plus it feels much better than feeling terrified, and you are much more likely to get something productive done!

UPDATE 2/10/09:  The  original verision of this post (from the old blogspot blog) was included in the February 3 version of “Gratitude Watch” on the “Curmudgeon’s Guide to Spirituality” by Daniel Brenton here. He has an interesting site and I’m adding him to the blogroll.