Time and time again in my work I have clients who confess feelings, quietly, ashamedly, as though they were something horribly awful. Time and time again I have had the privilege of helping them to realize that most of the time, what they are experiencing is not only “normal” but is actually commonplace. And that furthermore, often, these negative feelings can be changed.

If you could hear their sighs of relief (well, the sighs of the ones that I am able to convince…) you would be astonished. You would probably also be astonished at how frequently this phenomenon comes up. And I work with men and women from all over the world, of all ages.

What is it that you are walking around with, deep in your heart, feeling as though there is something wrong with you for feeling it? It is the things that we bury, out of fear and shame, which often cause us the most pain – and which sometimes grow to have a negative, problematic life of their own. These shadow issues (A woman named Debbie Ford wrote a whole book about our “shadows..”) can become incredibly powerful, and they can cause all sorts of problems.

“It’s only me, right?” some clients ask me. “I’m the only one who thinks about quitting my well paid job and becoming a farmer?” or “I’m the only one who is afraid to have a baby,” or “I’m the only one who is afraid of falling in love and losing control…”

We are not, of course, discussing here things that are actually psychopathic urges like the repeated idea of drowning one’s children or setting fire to one’s house with the family asleep in it. If you’re having those kinds of intrusive thoughts and negative visions, it’s crucial that you run, not walk, to your nearest hospital and tell them the truth about what you are considering. They can help you, they really can, and you will feel better. To reach out like that is true bravery, not weakness.

But the first step, of course, is to ask for help….and then to give voice to that “shadow” inside you.

The same goes for those smaller shadow thoughts and fears. It’s the things that we hold tightly inside, fearing to give voice to, which add to or can even cause tension, anxiety, fear, and lowered self esteem. The remedy is simple yet powerful: talk to someone you trust. Let the shadow out into the light. Often, almost instantly, the power is broken and you feel lighter, safer, happier. Try it and see for yourself!

It’s not just you. Really. It’s not just me, either. Trust yourself, the universe, and believe that you can get beyond whatever shadowy “box of rocks” that you are carrying around. You can set it down, and you may very well find that as soon as you set down this metaphoric box of rocks and show it to someone else – that you don’t have to pick it back up and carry it around with you.

Again, it’s not just you. But as long as you are carrying the box quietly, and not opening it up, you will never know. Take the chance – and share. The benefits are enormous and carrying the box quietly helps no one, not even yourself.

]]> http://www.manicmeltdown.com/2010/05/04/only_me/feed/ 0 http://www.manicmeltdown.com/2009/11/26/trying-too-hard/ http://www.manicmeltdown.com/2009/11/26/trying-too-hard/#comments Thu, 26 Nov 2009 19:53:43 +0000 Ms. Sanity http://www.manicmeltdown.com/?p=314 Well, many of us hear that “Do as I say, not as I do” thing as children, and yes, it’s annoying. But Ms. Sanity has inadvertantly provided a fabulous example of things not to do, and why people say that “do as I say…” thing. It can be helpful when we learn from the mistakes of others, so gather round as I wave my mistake in the air to show you. Here’s the issue: Frankly, I have been shooting myself in the foot here in Sanityland. When I work on this blog, I want it to be good. Interesting, helpful, different, you know, all of those things. I’ve been on some level trying too hard, and the upshot has been that I’ve done nothing. This is not good. Don’t do that.

Of course, in order to be a good blogger, one has to be consistent, one has to post regularly. Obviously Ms. Sanity has been falling down in that regard. Ms. Sanity’s Mother has noticed this behavior for many a year now–she calls it the “Refusing to write a letter unless all the pencils in the house are sharpened, and you have the most beautiful stationery to use phenomenon,” when of course, the recipient would just be happy to get a durn letter from Ms. Sanity.

Mum’s right on the money there. One should just write the letter. And I know for a fact that I am not the only one with this phenomenon.

I was horrified and pretty annoyed with myself on this Thanksgiving Day when I realized that it has been 29 days since my last post. That’s simply not acceptable. See, when I make a post, I want it to be thoughtful. Original, well-written, preferably well (or at least marginally well) illustrated.

Here are some of my excuses. See if they mesh with any of YOUR excuses. (My father would say: There are always REASONS, but rarely excuses.)

• I’ve been busy.
  Well, we are ALL busy, in one way or another. If Ms. Sanity wants to be a blogger, she needs to blog, yes?
  
• I wanted my posts to be good. Exceptional, even.
  Well, my readers are looking for helpful, hopefully thought provoking information from me, and perhaps a little entertainment here and there, not proof of my substantial brilliance. (heh)
• I wanted to do research and provide LOTS of useful information in my next post.
  Well, even one piece or useful information or one link can make a difference to someone’s life. It doesn’t have to be fifty links! Helping out even a little is better than my silence, yes?

So, now: the flip side is this. I will do my best stop the habit of trying too hard, and perhaps you need to do the same. (Some of us, perhaps including yours truly, may need to watch out for “trying too hard not to try too hard,” but that’s a whole other post….)

Nike’s relatively inspired slogan “Just Do It,” is actually more than a good way to sell shoes. It’s a mantra many of us would do well to hold in mind, and act upon. So here’s my “Just did it” post… and I wish everyone, everywhere, a day or at least a moment of thanksgiving, as we celebrate here in the USA. Have a lovely day.. and don’t try too hard. Good enough is really, good enough, and something is almost always better than nothing…Nobody is perfect, anyway, no matter how hard one tries.

1.) You are really and truly the only – yes, only -darn person you can control.  There’s no question that you can affect others, you can, and you should. But change them? Nope, not in this lifetime, not on this spiritual plane. That doesn’t mean that we all can sit by and say “ho hum, well, then, there’s nothing I can or should do except do my own thing.” That’s a cop out. What it DOES mean is that trying to control others is futile and crazy-making at best, and a recipe for unmitigated disaster in many, many circumstances.  Once you really come to terms with this, every day gets easier. Make peace with this one quickly.

2.) Nobody gets a free ride.  Yes, I know that’s an old chestnut, but it may take some doing to really absorb the fact. I still remember the moment when someone (a man who taught me a number of extremely painful yet important lessons) said to me in surprise when we were on the topic: “EVERYONE suffers. EVERYONE ‘gets screwed.’ Nobody escapes it. Nobody has a charmed life.” It took until then (and I was well over 20) for me to realize that my suffering was not “special,” or anything of the sort, and that everyone else (or even a few select lucky bastards) was/is not living a constantly easy, happy, stress-free existence. Problems are part of life. Learn to see that this is okay.

3.) We are never, ever given just one chance at happiness or fulfillment.  It is easy, (and I think it’s perhaps human nature) to believe that our entire future happiness and good outcomes in life can hinge on a particular thing, such as “this particular relationship working out,” or “getting into this school,” or “getting this job” or “making x number of dollars.”  Again, that’s not a cop-out inducer to believe that you don’t have to do the best you can in life, you will find yourself far more fulfilled if you DO. However, it is certainly a relaxing-inducing knowledge, once you can find it, that there are ALWAYS going to be other deep, soul-level, meaningful opportunities for us, if the one in front of us, for whatever reason, does not come to fruition. To believe otherwise is to limit yourself, the universe, and your higher power, (if you believe in one) to a level that is really, when you think about it, not only painful but also pretty arrogant. Work this one out, and things become a lot easier. Really.

4.) Listen to others (who have shown they’re worth respect) but go your own way. Both bits of this one are challenging. For instance, your mother, just by virtue of being your mother, if you are an adult, does not, in and of itself, make her opinion very useful or helpful to you – particularly about things that she herself has never experienced. There’s a fairly obscure saying, though, that goes something like this: “If one person tells you you have a tail, you can laugh. If two people tell you you have a tail, then best turn around and LOOK.” In other words, of course, it’s not smart to just ignore every bit of advice/opinion you are given, particularly if you start to hear things over and over. However, ultimately you have to live your own life and it’s the only one you have at this moment anyway. If you decide that what your soul is telling you to do is to move to Italy and learn Italian (with the last $1,000 in your checking account…) and you are sure that this is what you most want and need to do, then GO, regardless of what anyone says. Hey, it worked out well for Elizabeth Gilbert (author of “Eat,Pray, Love”.)  If you wait till what you want is going to please everyone you might as well forget it. Life is short, and people who are completely invested in completely pleasing everyone are usually pretty darn unhappy.

5.) It’s your job to take care of yourself. Yes, the (very very small number) of conservative types who meander into this blog might be surprised to hear a liberal type like myself spout this last one, but it is my firm belief that in today’s world (and perhaps always, I don’t know) in order to be happy and sucessful we have all got to take personal responsibility for our own lives, advocate for ourselves, and not simply sit by and expect someone to come along and fix (any) problem. This also means that after a certain point, you can no longer blame your parents or the Government or whatever for your problems, you will have to make some choices and take some actions, and so on.  If you struggle with this one, it might be helfpful to start by thinking, say, of going to a doctor’s office (ick!) If your leg hurts, and you go to the doctor but don’t tell her that your leg hurts, how can you possibly be surprised if she doesn’t do anything about your pain? Learn to advocate for yourself. You are the one who is closest to knowing what you need. You can have a hand in making sure your needs get met. If you wait by the side of life for someone to notice that you are in pain/need help/etc., you can be waiting a very long time indeed.

Well, readers, if you’ve read this far… which one resonated the most with you (if any?) What are the other biggies I’ve left off? This list of course could have been fifty or five hundred things to consider, but your Ms. Sanity has to start somewhere… 

Photo credit: Chi from morguefile.com

This is a good thing – a sane thing, even – and as someone once told me, “They can take everything away from me, but they cannot take my education away.” There’s certainly no denying that.

Because of the pressures so many of us are under, with family, children, work, (and some of us working two or three jobs and/or trying to run our own businesses just to stay afloat….) the idea of completing a degree online can hold enormous appeal because of the flexibility involved. One can study at their own pace, so on and so forth, and do so from home.

Again, this is a good thing. However, I must sound some cautionary notes. Before plunking down thousands of dollars to embark on an online degree, it’s very smart to do quite a bit of research first.

The fact of the matter is that some online degrees, and some online schools, are simply not given much credibility by employers. If you think that you can just breeze through a bachelor’s degree and be guaranteed a job on the other end; better think again. Having said that, I have seen and heard from employers that people who have a traditional bachelor’s degree, and then go on to get an online MASTER’S degree, do tend to have an edge over applicants without the online degree.

Your friendly Ms. Sanity has assembled some links to help you do some research before you buy into one of these schools. Be sane and look before you leap. See what other students are saying about a prospective school, see what their reputation is, or if you’re really brave, you might contact the Human Resources department at a big company and point blank ask them what they think of a certain school.

Obviously, the first thing you will want to look at is whether or not a particular school you are considering is accredited. Don’t even consider a non-accredited school or one where “accreditation is pending.” This could be an extreme waste of your time, money, and energy.

One of the largest sites is “Online degree reviews written by students” located here. This site has first-hand experience summaries written by people who have actually attended particular schools.

A forum where students discuss their online learning programs and schools is located here.

This blog post includes a link to a white paper that looks like a proprietary study (which means take with a grain of salt the results) about the attitudes of hiring managers to online degree recipients. Still, the attitudes seem to be mostly positive. See: http://onlinestudentsurvival.com/2009/01/online-degrees-now-widely-accepted-by-consumers-and-employers/

All in all your best option if it is even remotely possible may be to attend online classes through a traditional brick-and-mortar school in your area. But just like everything else, your needs may vary, and the economic value of your degree may vary as well.

My entire point is very simple: do your homework, before, well, doing your homework. To fall for a glowing sales brochure about an online school is insane. Education is certainly a value in its’ own right, but if you’re going back to school to increase your marketability for jobs, then you had best look before you leap. Do that, and you can no doubt find an online option that will fit your needs, for most professions.

If that rings any bells for you about yourself, there’s a short primer on the flip which may be helpful.

Over and over when I have my “counselor” hat on, people ask me questions like, “But is what happened to me A or B?” “Is it wrong for me to feel C or D?”  “Was that person wrong to do E or F?”  “Do I really have any redeeming value? What if I’m wrong about what I think?” and on and on it goes.

In my own life, partly through the process of going through therapy (something which I think nearly everyone can benefit from, if you can find a good therapist…) I eventually learned that–guess what–there is  not REALLY a fully-fledged rule book about life sitting somewhere that you can just look up and see a black and white answer that makes everything clear about A, B, C, D and so forth. (Spare me the Bible references, that’s not quite what I mean, although there are some enormously helpful rules and such to live by in the Bible….)

There came a point when I had to allow myself to live with some uncertainty, and once I did–whoosh, a huge burden was lifted.

Finally, in a blinding flash, I realized that my role was to do my best to make a sensible decision about what I thought about my life, and my actions, and so on, and that looking outside for some sort of handy manual that was going to spell absolutely everything out for me, was fruitless at best.

Some people are great  (okay, some people are delusional, too) about having positive self esteem, seeing their strengths, and so on. It comes easily and naturally to them. Those people are probably not even reading this article.

At the other end of the spectrum, we have the folks with the absolute lowest self-esteem, and paralyzing anxiety. “Am I really a bad person?” and so on are the kinds of questions that plague them constantly.  Here’s the deal:

Sometimes, for the latter type of person, you have to simply stop asking yourself and the world for the “truth” about a particular thing, and simply decide what is and is not helpful for you to think. Is it helpful, to you, or anyone else around you, for you to torture yourself endlessly that you “might” be a bad person, or a worthless person, and so on?

No, of course it isn’t. It is far helpful for your functioning, and for the world, if you make the decision to think “Perhaps I am an okay, at least, person.”  That gives you a launching pad to start from, whereas “Maybe I am really bad,” does not. (I’m referring to “normal” people here, not people, say, who killed someone last week, etc., who have plenty of reason to question themselves.)

You can, of course, tie yourself up in knots if you want, asking yourself  “Well, is it for real, do I have any basis to have even moderate self-esteem about?” but the fact of the matter is that sometimes you, and everyone else, are better off if you just make some (positive) assumptions.  So when it comes to the basics–like simple self esteem/self respect, you are better off, when your mental tape says “Is it real? should I allow myself to have even marginal self-esteem?” to respond with a resounding “Who cares if it’s “real” or not. That is where I’m going to begin, assuming that I have the right to draw breath, etc.”

For the record, I am very quick to suggest that people see a doctor and/or a licensed professional counselor (plus, of course, the law requires me to do so,and of course, that’s just the ethical thing to do.) I do realize that the type of mental machinations I’m describing CAN be due to major clinical depression and/or anxiety, and often need treatment from professionals.

The other fact of the matter, however, is that seeking or receiving mental health treatment is still stigmatized to an unbelievable degree (and it shouldn’t be) and that in the US, mental health care is simply not available (or seems unavailable–almost the same thing)  to many, many people. So I suppose talking to me can be better than nothing. At least that’s what they tell me.

My points here are threefold: a.) most people do have the power to do at least a little something about the damage those mental tapes are doing to themselves, b.) sometimes saying “who cares?!” is actually a very adult, reasoned, practical mental response, and c.) if your life feels like the pits because you can’t get past this stuff, reach out and get help, pronto.  There is ALWAYS help available, and we are not called to “go it on our own” forever.

If you struggle with this crap, try saying “who cares?!” for an hour. See how YOU feel.You might be surprised how freeing it is.

And for the (Ayn) Randians: Yes, of course there are absolutes in life. There just aren’t quite as many as most people seem to think. Life is full of shades of gray. Deal with it.

A Sane Project?

I’ve been interested in this relatively new website called “White House Two,” which is meant to give the man or woman on the street the opportunity to voice their priorities for the country to the White House and to their “fellow Americans.” Nearly 8,000 people have joined the site, including yours truly.

Not surprisingly, it’s questionable how much attention will be paid to all this by the real white house/actual powers that be, but even so, I have found it to be an educational and interesting read. It’s located here. For a little more about it, read on. Another interesting aspect is that it has a system of “political capital” which you “earn” by being involved on the site, setting your priorities, interacting with others, and so on. One of the uses of that “capital” is that you can create advertising to actually sway people to endorse the priorities that YOU think are important for this country.

I have been fascinated, learning about the priorities of others, (even those I disagree violently with) and seeing the points at which we agree. It’s also the clearest picture I’ve seen anywhere of what the Obama administration is currently (publicly anyway) holding as their set of priorities.  And not surprisingly, you can compare and contrast the “real” white house’s stated priorities with your own.

I think anything that gets people to think about what’s going on in their country and to interact with each other about their priorities is a good thing, and I think this website is a very useful tool for that.

And I have certainly learned more about some issues that others espouse, such as the “Fair Tax” (wildly “endorsed” on this site, by the way) and a few others. Check it out. The more people that participate, the better.

For you social media buffs, it also will integrate, apparently with Facebook, and you can also find some of the Twitter people on there. I’d be interested to know what people think about it!

In it, among many other useful thoughts and ideas, I came upon his exhortation that we should all  “Increase our capacity to help other people increase THEIR capacities.”  In other words–to get better at helping others, well, get better (presumably better at whatever it is that they want to be better AT.)

Now I am not egotistical enough to think for one second that I can help everyone with everything. For instance if you want to get better at math, you are barking up the wrong blog, I’m a verbal girl if there ever was one.

I suppose the premise for this blog in toto was to hopefully gently point out some parts of modern life which are insane, and steer the reader to more, well, sane points of view/actions/thinking/tactics.

But I’d really like to know… what are the things that the readers around here would like to get better at? Do you want to know more about social media or blogging? Or how to not go insane when you’re worried about money? Or how to spot absolute insanity in a  prospective romantic partner?

Do tell. And I’ll do my best to help. I may not know the answers, but I am great at finding people who do!

It seems to me that if even a tenth of our culture became fixated on at least occasionally “increasing their capacity to help others increase their capacities” our country and world would be MUCH stronger, as a result.

What say you?