Sometimes you’ve gotta say “Who Cares?”
Part of my work involves serving as a sort of lay counselor for some of my clients. One of the things I have noticed time and again is people, particularly women, driving themselves utterly insane, trying to figure out the “rules” in life and what is “really” the case about a certain situation. (In fact, for that matter, I was once one of those people.)
If that rings any bells for you about yourself, there’s a short primer on the flip which may be helpful.
Over and over when I have my “counselor” hat on, people ask me questions like, “But is what happened to me A or B?” “Is it wrong for me to feel C or D?” “Was that person wrong to do E or F?” “Do I really have any redeeming value? What if I’m wrong about what I think?” and on and on it goes.
In my own life, partly through the process of going through therapy (something which I think nearly everyone can benefit from, if you can find a good therapist…) I eventually learned that–guess what–there is not REALLY a fully-fledged rule book about life sitting somewhere that you can just look up and see a black and white answer that makes everything clear about A, B, C, D and so forth. (Spare me the Bible references, that’s not quite what I mean, although there are some enormously helpful rules and such to live by in the Bible….)
There came a point when I had to allow myself to live with some uncertainty, and once I did–whoosh, a huge burden was lifted.
Finally, in a blinding flash, I realized that my role was to do my best to make a sensible decision about what I thought about my life, and my actions, and so on, and that looking outside for some sort of handy manual that was going to spell absolutely everything out for me, was fruitless at best.
Some people are great (okay, some people are delusional, too) about having positive self esteem, seeing their strengths, and so on. It comes easily and naturally to them. Those people are probably not even reading this article.
At the other end of the spectrum, we have the folks with the absolute lowest self-esteem, and paralyzing anxiety. “Am I really a bad person?” and so on are the kinds of questions that plague them constantly. Here’s the deal:
Sometimes, for the latter type of person, you have to simply stop asking yourself and the world for the “truth” about a particular thing, and simply decide what is and is not helpful for you to think. Is it helpful, to you, or anyone else around you, for you to torture yourself endlessly that you “might” be a bad person, or a worthless person, and so on?
No, of course it isn’t. It is far helpful for your functioning, and for the world, if you make the decision to think “Perhaps I am an okay, at least, person.” That gives you a launching pad to start from, whereas “Maybe I am really bad,” does not. (I’m referring to “normal” people here, not people, say, who killed someone last week, etc., who have plenty of reason to question themselves.)
You can, of course, tie yourself up in knots if you want, asking yourself “Well, is it for real, do I have any basis to have even moderate self-esteem about?” but the fact of the matter is that sometimes you, and everyone else, are better off if you just make some (positive) assumptions. So when it comes to the basics–like simple self esteem/self respect, you are better off, when your mental tape says “Is it real? should I allow myself to have even marginal self-esteem?” to respond with a resounding “Who cares if it’s “real” or not. That is where I’m going to begin, assuming that I have the right to draw breath, etc.”
For the record, I am very quick to suggest that people see a doctor and/or a licensed professional counselor (plus, of course, the law requires me to do so,and of course, that’s just the ethical thing to do.) I do realize that the type of mental machinations I’m describing CAN be due to major clinical depression and/or anxiety, and often need treatment from professionals.
The other fact of the matter, however, is that seeking or receiving mental health treatment is still stigmatized to an unbelievable degree (and it shouldn’t be) and that in the US, mental health care is simply not available (or seems unavailable–almost the same thing)Â to many, many people. So I suppose talking to me can be better than nothing. At least that’s what they tell me.
My points here are threefold: a.) most people do have the power to do at least a little something about the damage those mental tapes are doing to themselves, b.) sometimes saying “who cares?!” is actually a very adult, reasoned, practical mental response, and c.) if your life feels like the pits because you can’t get past this stuff, reach out and get help, pronto. There is ALWAYS help available, and we are not called to “go it on our own” forever.
If you struggle with this crap, try saying “who cares?!” for an hour. See how YOU feel.You might be surprised how freeing it is.
And for the (Ayn) Randians: Yes, of course there are absolutes in life. There just aren’t quite as many as most people seem to think. Life is full of shades of gray. Deal with it.
May 13, 2009
Tags: anxiety, attitudes, calmness, capacity building, critical thinking, fears, questions, sanity, Tips Posted in: Sane, Tips
4 Responses
As the saying goes…
Rules are for the guidance of wise men and the blind obedience of fools.
Anxiety and depression is one hell of a nasty disease. even if you have everything but if you have clinical depression, you are still nothing.-;:
You’re right, Sarah. These are very nasty diseases. And they’re made even more challenging by the fact that they aren’t visible to most people. So people who have never experienced them just go “oh, you’re depressed? Well I was depressed once too. I got over it.” Not the same kettle of fish, of course.
Of course the truth is, none of us are ever nothing: there is no such thing as an ordinary person. We are all miracles. But depression always says, “yeah, right, bah, humbug.”
Thanks for stopping by and adding to the sanity!
anxiety and depression are hard to treat if the patient has not been checked for years.’–
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